Bingo Night/Transcript
Brent Leroy: What are you doing here? Wanda Dollard: I work here, I think. You know, unless you change your mind. Okay, I broke the mop handle. I know, I know you told me no karate kicks in the store. But I'd just finished watching a Jet Li movie and I was in a weird headspace. Brent: I just meant that I changed the schedule and you have Thursdays off now. Remember? Wanda: Well, isn't that something. Brent: You broke the mop? Wanda: Hey. If I don't have to work, I can go to bingo. Brent: You're not supposed to watch movies at work. Oscar Leroy: Hey. How come you're not in uniform? Is it top secret? You workin' undercover? Karen Pelly: Everyone in Dog River knows me. How could I work undercover? And if I was undercover, I couldn't tell you I was undercover. Oscar: I get it. So you are undercover. Davis Quinton: She failed her drug test. Oscar: Oh. So you just think you're undercover. Karen: I took some allergy medication and it showed up on the test. It's just a technicality, but I can't work for about a week. Davis: A week too long. Now I got double the workload. Karen: Wow! Two naps a day. Brent: Hey, you watch any Jet Li movies? Does he kick a lot of mops? Lacey: Nah. I couldn't say. Brent: Why would you kick a mop? What does that get ya? Lacey: You sell cookies? Look at these ingredients. They're all chemicals. You know, this is like eating a Bounce sheet. Brent: Yeah, but a tasty Bounce sheet. Lacey: I hope you don't mind a little friendly competition, because I just started selling freshly baked cookies. Brent: They're two completely different things. You're selling plate cookies. These are road cookies. Lacey: Road cookies? Brent: Yeah. Road cookies are, are like an old miner. You know, on the outside they're gritty and tough as nails, but on the inside they're soft and sweet and gooey. Lacey: Much like a miner. Brent: All right, it's a bad analogy. But you get my drift. Lacey: Your drift is that some people like gritty chemicals that are gooey. Brent: And also that old miners can be very sensitive. I believe I've made my point. Karen: So this is what it's like to be useless, idling the hours away with no particular purpose in life. Lacey: Hank, were your ears burnin'? Hank: Ah, no. I got a thing on my foot that's itchy. Karen: Hey Hank, you have a lot of spare time on your hands. What do you do? Hank: Pffft! What don't I do? I hang out, have coffee. Sometimes I throw stones at things and whatnot. Karen: Wow. You should get a personal assistant. Lacey: And you should both get some freshly baked cookies. Hank: No thanks. Lacey: Nah. Lacey: They're oatmeal, the meal made of oats. Karen: Boy, you're really pushing these cookies. Lacey: I'm not pushing them. I am using the power of suggestion. I suggest you have a cookie, which makes you think about having a cookie, and then you decide to have a cookie. Karen: Have you sold any cookies? Lacey: Not as such, no. Karen: Well, I suggest you rethink your decision to suggest the cookies. Hank: Yeah. And I think your decision to rethink the suggestion should be decided...can I get a coffee or what? Fred: Under the I, 19. Wanda: Hi Emma! Emma Leroy: Oh. Wanda, hi. I've never seen you at bingo before. Wanda: First Thursday night off. Gotta be where the action is. Fred: Under the B, 7. Wanda: Maybe action isn't the right word. Emma: One more! Come on Fred, give me O-72! Fred: Ah, ah, oh-aah! Wanda: Okay, that qualifies as action. Lacey: Road cookies. Fitzy Fitzgerald: You get well, Fred. Take as much time as you need. Your job will still be here when you get back. No one calls bingo like you do. He's never coming back. Okay, who wants to call bingo? I'd do it myself, but I've got a very important meeting. Emma: Wanda, why don't you call? You have such a beautiful voice. Wanda: Really? At Karaoke Night you threw a shoe at me. Emma: My feet were tired. We have a volunteer. Wanda: Okey-dokey. Here we go. G-58, under the G-58. Delores, over there, is thinking, "Gee, I wish I had a 58." Geesh. Easy crowd. Emma: Come on, 72! All I need is O-72! Paramedic: Hang in there, Fred. You're gonna be okay. Wanda: Hope everybody remembered to take their Vitamin B-6. Bingo Lady: Bingo! Brent: Just in case you're Jonesin', I've locked up the Sudafed. Karen: Ha-ha! Lacey: Brent, somebody has been eating your road cookies in The Ruby. Who buys these? Brent: Oh, I can't tell you that. Why not? Brent: That would break the code of customer-gas station attendant confidentiality. Lacey: You gotta be kidding? Brent: People rely on me to keep their purchases to myself. Karen: Like a bond of trust. Brent: Exactly. I mean, Davis wouldn't like it if I told the town that he buys Cosmo every month, as a random example that isn't even true. Lacey: I'm going to find out about these cookies. Brent: Not without a warrant. Karen: So, mind if I hang out? Brent: Anything to keep you off the streets while you get yourself clean. Emma: Then Fred took a half gainer off the stage. Next thing you know he's off to the doctor, Wanda's calling bingo, and I'm losing. Oscar Leroy: So the short of it is you have no bingo money. Emma: It's like I've been jinxed. Hey, do you think Wanda might be bad luck? Oscar: Bad luck? Come to think of it, the other day I was talking to her on the phone and then three hours later I dropped the radio and it busted. Good thing I wasn't in the tub. Damn woman coulda killed me. Brent: Oh, hey, Hank. Hank: Hey. Where ya goin'? Brent: Inventory. Why? Hank: I thought you could take a break, have a coffee, you know, hang out. Brent: Sorry. You're too late. I just hung out with Karen. Hank: That's not hangin' out. She's a girl. She probably talked about, uh, you know, clouds and skirts and rainbows. Brent: Actually, we had a very stimulating conversation about authority and morality in the new millennium. Why? Was there something special you wanted to talk about? Hank: Oh, yeah. Where do people who live in igloos go to the bathroom? Brent: Oh, geez, that's a good one too. Hank: Yeah. Brent: Well, I can't hang out all day. I got work to do. Lacey: Do you think these wrappers have fingerprints on them? Karen: They've got your fingerprints on them. Lacey: I should let this go. But it bugs me. Karen: Just let them sneak their little cookies in here. You're better than this. Lacey: You know what, you're right. I am better than this. My cookies are better than this. Excuse me, everyone. Recently, while cleaning up, I discovered some wrappers from packaged cookies. Now, I am very confident about the quality of my fresh home-baked cookies. So whoever prefers these chemical-laced packaged ones, you don't have to hide anymore. Go ahead. You can eat them at your table. You hear that? That's the sound of coffee goin' up a buck. Brent: Hank, what are you doing here? Hank: Hey, Brent. You wanna hang out? Brent: It's 7:00 in the morning. Hank: Yeah. So, you think people in igloos go to the bathroom outside? Brent: Not now, Hank. Go home and get some sleep. Come back at a decent hangout time. Hank: Oh, like when? Midmorning, late morning? Brent: You can't force a hangout, Hank. You just gotta catch a wave. Hank: I think I know how to hang out, Brent. Oscar: Is Bad Luck Wanda callin' the bingo tonight? Emma: I guess. Fred's pelvis is fractured. Oscar: Lazy wimp. Emma: I can't rely on luck. I have to be proactive. Oscar: That, or you could do something about it yourself. Karen: Actually, I heard it was the Greeks who first invented the hot and cold water plumbing system. Brent: Well, what kind of plumbing did they have in igloos? Hank: Hey, you guys hangin' out? Sorry I'm late. Brent: Well, technically, you were really early. Now you're late. Hank: Can I hang out now? Karen: Sure. We were talking about plumbing in igloos and I was saying how the Ancient Greeks... Hank: You did my thing with her? The, the, the igloo thing's our thing, Brent. Brent: Oh, thank you, gas bell. Talk to ya later. Karen: See ya. Hank: I've been out hung. Karen: Um, Lacey, could I have a cookie? Lacey: Well, of course you...wait a second. You don't really want one, do you? This is just a, a pity cookie, isn't it? What is it about those packaged cookies? Karen: They're tough and great for dipping in coffee. They're like... Lacey: An old miner? Karen: You can't dip an old miner in coffee. Gross! Lacey: So it's the dipping they want. Oh, thanks Karen. It's so good to have you around to talk to. Karen: I'm always around. We always talk. Lacey: But it's different without the uniform. Seen Davis lately? Karen: No. I wonder how he's doin'. Davis: Hey, give me my hat back! We gotta pay for those out of our own pocket. Brent: A broken pipe? Emma: I don't know how it happened. Oscar: Probably his fault. All those damn showers he took when he was a kid. Brent: Well, can't Dad fix it? Oscar: Oh, oah! Emma: What do you think? Brent: All right. I'll be right over. Oh, Wanda. Sorry. I'm gonna need you to cover for me. Wanda: But it's Bingo Night. Brent: Well, don't blame me. Blame the Greeks. Hank: Davis. Davis: I'm not napping. You nap! Hank: Hey. Davis: What is it? Hank: Wanna hang out? Davis: Don't you usually hang out with Brent? Hank: Yeah. Well, we're kinda hangin' out with other people right now. Davis: All right. Hop in. So, you know how in "Logan's Run" they zap everyone who's 30? If they're so worried about overpopulation, instead of zapping them, they should turn them into farmers. That way everyone eats and no one gets hurt. It's probably more fun zappin' 'em. Hank: You know what? I, ah, I can't do this right now. Sorry. I think I'm still on the rebound. Davis: Waste of a nap. Emma: I don't know where Wanda can be, leaving us in the lurch like this. Pretty irresponsible. Fitzy: We need to get someone else. Hank: Oh, evening, Officer. Hey, Fitzy. Brent: Well, how the hell did it get bent like that? Oscar: How should I know? It looks like the work of an orangutan. Brent: Really? That's your prime suspect? Emma: Oops. How did that get there? Hank: Under the G-51. Emma: Ah-hah! Way to go, Hank. You're a natural. Wanda: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh! Ooh! I'm okay. Whew! That's quite a drop. Under the B-careful. Hank: I thought you had to work. Wanda: I got someone to cover for me. Karen: Hi-yaa! Hank: Well, I think we are all excited that Wanda's back, but I got things under control. So, under the L... Wanda: I'll take it from here. Hank: So much for whatnot. Back to throwin' stones. Bingo Crowd: Wan-da, Wan-da, Wan-da, Wan-da, Wan-da, Wan-da... Emma: Where's my lucky wrench? Brent: Fatty triglycerides, tartaric acid, dipotassium phosphate, pecans ooh, pecans? Lacey: Tah-dah! Oscar: Tah-dah what? Lacey: It's biscotti. It's an Italian biscuit, great for dipping... Karen: We know what biscotti is, Lacey. Oscar: It's just a little 1995, don't ya think? Lacey: Oh. Brent: Is my Dad hipper than you? Karen: If we wanted biscotti, we'd buy some at the gas station. Lacey: I don't know why I'm having such bad luck with my cookies. Oscar: Has Wanda been around? Lacey: Yeah. Oscar: There's your answer. Hank: Hey. You wanna hang out? Davis: Oh, I don't know. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. Hank: I know it was a little awkward before, but that was the first time, right? I mean...I brought ya these. Davis: All right, road cookies. You rock! Hank: Thanks for noticin'. So, where do you think people go to the bathroom in an igloo? Davis: You mean Inuit. Hank: Oh, sorry. So, where do you think people go to the bathroom in an Inuit? Davis: No, no. The people are Inuit and they don't live in igloos anymore. Hank: Oh, right. 'Cause it's summer. Hey, ah, you want to drive by Corner Gas? Davis: Wait a minute. Are you using me to make Brent jealous? Hank: No! Oh, Davis, no. No, I, I... Emma: I must say, Fred, you're looking much better. Fred: I'm glad you came to see me, Emma. Emma: So when are you coming back? Fred: Oh, I don't know. Nobody wants an old rodeo clown like me around. Emma: Nonsense. People are always talking about you at bingo. Fitzy: I hope Fred doesn't come back. Bingo Man: Yeah, Fred was terrible. Dolores: Fred sucks. Fred: That's nice. But I'm in way too much pain. Emma: Pain is just a state of mind. Once you're up there... Fred: Emma, I have a crush on you. I have adored you since you first walked into Bingo Night. I deliberately called your numbers so that you would win. It was all a lie! Emma: So when are you coming back? Lacey: I give up on this fresh-baked crap. Everybody wants road cookies. Brent: Well, I don't know why you're knocking yourself out, Lacey. Why don't you just sell these same kind of cookies over there? Lacey: You'd be fine with that? Brent: They're cookies, Lacey. I'm not giving you my bone marrow. Hank: Hey, Brent. Brent: Hey, Hank. Sorry, now is kind of a bad time. Hank: Oh, no. I wasn't, ah, I wasn't lookin' for you. I was, ah, I was lookin' for Davis. We've been hangin' out a lot, me and me and Davis. Brent: Oh, yeah? Hank: Oh, he has got some real interesting theories on "Logan's Run", Davis does. Well, I'm gonna go now. So, ah, you know, if you see my hangout buddy, Davis, just tell him I'm lookin' for him. Not you, Davis. Brent: It's sad. Lacey: It kinda makes my cookie problems seem trivial. Brent: Your cookie problem is trivial. I mean, yes, it does. Wanda: B-4, B-4. Before you know it, I'll be calling another number. Fitzy: The place is packed. If this continues, we will finally raise enough money to send a kid to Jazz Camp. Oh, Fred's back. It's a miracle. Emma: Hallelujah. Wanda: I've been railroaded. Fred shouldn't be calling bingo. He should be lying flat on his back sucking his supper through a straw. Emma: Wanda, this is what Fred lives for. Look at him up there. Let him have this one thing. Wanda: Oh, you're right, Emma. What was I thinking? I feel terrible. You are so selfless. Fred: I-27. Emma: Bingo! Hank: Hey, Brent. Here's that five bucks I owe ya. Brent: Actually, it was ten. Hank: Here's five of the ten bucks I owe ya. I'll see ya later. Brent: Wait! Where ya goin', Hank? I mean, we've been best friends since we were kids. It seems like we never get to hang out anymore. I miss ya, man. Hank: So Karen went back to work? Brent: Yeah. Hank: Cool. Davis: So, how was your vacation? Karen: Oh, I was bored silly. I didn't realize how much I'd miss the hustle and bustle of police work. Davis: Well, it's good to have you back. Karen: Ah, it's good to be back. Davis: Ah! Karen: Where's your hat? Davis: Never mind. Category:Transcripts